lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
