I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
