She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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