it's too hot outside to masturbate.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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