I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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