There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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