I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
