Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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