Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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