i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
