see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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