Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
