When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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