it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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