whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
