If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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