Your dad touched me again.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
