she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
