I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
