I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
