woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
