yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball