my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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