White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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