Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
