someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I cockslap morals
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
