hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
