Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
