i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
