is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your penis caused this!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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