rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
