just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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