pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
