Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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