my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
