PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
