I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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