remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
