once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
