I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
