I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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