Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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