He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I would ride that face into the sunset
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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