I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
