I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
