woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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