Fine. I'll sleep in my office
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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