He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.