Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
