I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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