I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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