You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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