What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
