don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You left your phone here
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