Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
