why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
