Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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