The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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