Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
